so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
