he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
