just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
