They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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