You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
