Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
PANTIES FOUND
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
