The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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