he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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