woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
