I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
