you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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