id be glad to
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i drank out of a bidet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
