So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
