she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
