well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My vagina is very pro this idea
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
