I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
