you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
