I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
