I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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