if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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