i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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