Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
