her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
