I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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