You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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