Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
