i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
