idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
