I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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