i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
