Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
