I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm always down for nudity.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
