wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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