Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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