If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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