And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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