WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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