Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i now understand why vodka
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
