I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
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