you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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