So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
