He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
