Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
