Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
