OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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