If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
