we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
