i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
