I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
