I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
