Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
